WHY BAHUBALI IS THE REASON FOR MY BREAK UP?
A love story by
HEMANT NILIM DAS
My lung was full of water when I took a shower in rain in the express highway 20 days back…in the month of June! June was never such a culprit! But I was more shocked when I broke-up with my south girlfriend when she bought a ticket for a film called BAHUBALI…for how much? Rs. 10000, in black-market. SHATTERED! YUP!!!
I was grudging myself with the fact for breaking down with such a sultry-ssexy girl, Vasundhara! I had to Mathematically introspect now… on my crossed love-life, aftermath side-effects of not making any commercial cinema, and confused work- life with a distributor friend of mine who only releases south cinema in Hindi belts!
But he was more acutely and severely brain-damaged for my break up. As he loves south, albeit being a Bihari-babu! For his sake, I swore on KJo…and advised myself to go-get a GF (again a Telegu one) but fair skinned (what a PIG man is!) Who at least blah-blahs overseas-angrezi!
But I got slapped on my back, when ultimately I had to admit the truth for my break-up! “She was a quarter-girlfriend (not “Half-girlfriend”, sorry chetanbhai!)! She neither speak Hindi, nor English, nor proper Telegu! She speaks only “kiliki”!” I munched! What the F**K? What’s that lingo?
I told him this is a new language vasundhara speaks and will continue speaking til mid 2016 til bahubali sequel releases! This time my friend was in rude shock! I laughed at myself, for the amazing madness of south-Indian movie lovers!
“Kiliki” has proper grammar rules, proper tense system and around a vocabulary of 750 words and she is learning new words! But why does she speak that?
“Frankly there won’t be much subtitling when the black villains (Raakshash) will fight against BAHUBALI warriors! So to understand the language… what the villains are murmuring while they challenge the BAHUBALI, my girl Vasundhara SELF-TAUGHT the language! Its chutz-pahh! attah-crzzzzy girl!” I murmured!
“See even this, did not spark the break up! But when she bought the ticket of Bahubali for Rs. 10k, I said to myself, “I can’t even buy a 4k camera! She bought a 10k! Its time for a low-down!” THEN ONLY… I gave-it-up all on her!
I made a throw-up list of crimes committed by Vasundhara:
- She spent 10k for a single ticket for part 1 (will spend another 15k for a single ticket for sequel, as the sequel is better, I heard)
- I could not understand KILIKI (a new language just invented for the film) …why? Why do they do it? Always? Is that the villager looking and maruti driving writer (Since I have seen Mumbai writers going to gym along with shahid kapoor in lokhandwala), yes…the dialogue writer of bahubali is responsible for my break-up! Yes! He, indeed!
- Why did my girl give-it-up (like an extra PLG cylinder in modi-raaj) coolly all cool languages (Telegu, Hindi, English)? This is insane! (She should not have asked for “Telangana”!)
- How can they (camera crew of BHAUBALI) use an ARRI alexa XT DIGITAL camera (used in skyfall, James bond) to can normal shots? I can’t even bother to have a 6k camera to can a romantic smooch shot where SALIVA from both hashmi-lips can be clearly seen in slow-motion? Poor sick me! Pity!
- How can they hire TAU films VFX experts (avatar, x-men, and life of pie)? Just to create a “ziggy”Tollywood regional film in Telegu?
Finally I tried to make-up with my Vasundhara when my distributor friend RE-confirmed that KJo bhai will release the Hindi version globally! I felt so proud, at least he is releasing! I did not feel insulted for being from lokhandwala-bandra, not anymore!
I began respecting her more in last 7 days, as I calculated Rs.10000 (per ticket in black) is worth of my love for HER, her love for Mr. BAHUBALI (MR. INDIA actually) as RAJAMOULI saab well-conned his producers to spell out Rs. 5000 per second of VFX where 90% of the film is VFX only! OMG!
Two days back, again, my voice was dead-eye missing, as I was in the ticket-counter to see bhaijaan! I missed her! I called up 30 times standing on the huge line in the ticket counter for bhaijaan (superhot already)! Since I spent my entire money 350 bucks and I had no balance in my idea service, I called her up on free “what’s app caller” but VASUNDHARA did not pick up! She later told, (after I saw bhaijaan, that bhaijaan ended beautifully with such a great message!) “BAHUBALI was abnormally ended! So she and I will never make up til she gets a coochy-moochy good ending to her BAHUBALI sequel! For that I will have to wait til 2016 mid!” I thought, “ Will I get a better GF…Noah?”
I NEVER SAW BAHUBALI!
I only saw bhaijaan, as I am a bhaqt of bhaijaan!
TODAY morning, she landed in Mumbai! And kissed up with me! Then she started speaking in KILIKI again…I understood some of the points she made! I tried to interpret from her body language mostly and the photographs she showed from newspapers!
She said, “blah, blah…blah….” An excerpt from her angry chat…
She probably spitted these, on my face, “Who is Rana? He is an actor down from my South India! Nope! He is a superstar down there! But can he pull crowd in rest of India? NOPE!
Can PRABHAS, the other actor (super star) in BAHUBALI is a crowd puller in rest of India (beyond south)? NOPE!
IS director RAJAMOULI a Sanjay Bhansali? NOPE!
So why then, so many NOPE make a YES?” she asked.
I replied in hawa-baazi, “Because Minus by minus is equal to plus!”
She got angry again.
She countered me, “Is that what your Mumbai- street mathematics of trade pundits says? Earlier the coffee peeping pundits of lokhandwala circle would have said, she continued, “Look…It’s a Rajnikanth starrer and since, he is bigger than anything, it did business in all India! But now PRABHASH and RANA is nobody in front of Rajnikanth! So why bahubali is stil working? I feel pity for you bolly filmmakers who are always vying for A-list starzz to make a film! I really feel traumatised noticing at the anarchy the bollywood stars create in a Mumbai centric India! Today it’s a scary day for all those so called A-listers who promises you for a dream opening! Because that A-team formula will be broken down many a times soon by my Telegu cinema!”
She drank some coffee and murmured again, “Earlier bollywood was thwarted by An X-MEN, a spider man, a superman, a hangover man and a matrix man! Now a BAHU–man will crash the lokhandwala-bandra complexes again in 2016 when the sequel will release! That time there will not even any competition from a bhaijaan! Oh, yes…Bhaijaan did 67.50 til Saturday night! I know, you are telling it’s a great movie since it is indeed directed by a marginally mainstream sensitive earlier documentary filmmaker Mr. Kabir khan! The new “swades” of SALMAN BHAIJAAN will cross (hopefully) by tonight 100 crs! I accept! But that’ salmaan khan! Your famous bandra boy! Number one king…! But the film is good in many ways because it’s been written by the same bahubali writer!”, I was shocked again! “How come?” I said to myself!
See replied, “see, the only similarity of these two megahits is their screenplay writer: KV Prasad! Last Thursday, it was joked a on what’s app that PRASAD ji is really worried as why he did not ask his talented son to delay the release of BAHU…as it should not have clashed with BHAIJAAN, as in south bhaijaan did not even get 50% of estimated theatres! The very veteran writer K V Prasad is the father of “Bahubali” director S S RAJAMOULI. Did you know it?”
I said, “No”!
She continues, “Why I like bahubali so much, because,
1. Unlike your films , it does not take help of religious punterism and presents “dharma” as a righteous cause of maintaining a decent life on earth
(unlike an alien!)
- Lokhandwala-bandra boys “khanot” (can’t) think of utilising well-rendered and pro-visualised CGI, VFX to tell a tale so endearingly! yes, I accept, BAHUBALI Pravas takes a long boring but exquisite 33 mins to climb the top of the waterfall and “invent” his “bandit queen” heroine! I accept it was little boring, but..!
- BAHUBALI is the epitome of a “crouching tiger hidden dragon” bridged with an “avatar”- first true cross over cinema after your “salaam Bombay” long back! Otherwise all your Mumbai black filmmakers routes out to make a chimpanzee out of an al-pacino and Robert de Nero starrers, till now!
- You don’t need a superstar to make 300 crores! But you need a good director-writer Jodi…like super-cool Christopher Nolan-Jonathan Nolan brothers Jodi, and the coen-brothers Jodi…but you in Mumbai pay Rs.50, 000 for a script even today…you prefer paying us, 2 crs for a south remake right. But you don’t pay well to writers! Sad!
- Your producers don’t trust your talent as a director! You don’t let them make yourselves seriously enough because all day long you make proposals and not films! Your producers love following. Not trend setting! We set trends! Better and faster! Now after the success of munnabhai, 3 idiots, PK, all Mumbai producers believe they can churn lots of RK, DK, HK, and LK as they think PK was an easier task to writer! You are all fools! PK was brilliant! We at south even can’t make it…a good story! But bahubali sequel is better!
I got angry, a little, when I found it arrogant when she claimed like that!
She became softer then, “I feel good that Kabir khan hired KV PRASAD to write BHAIJAAN as Bhaijaan is a fantastic film and salmaan bhai has proved to be a guiding force now for all A-listers in the most “human-humble” way of letting a high concept been written for a first time! We all know bhaijaan will cross 200 crores as a great film must earn two-three times than a just entertaining “mastiiiiii” (shittted with gags) film!”
Just your producer once said to me, “you know Vasundhara, 3E is the epitome of filmmaking: enlightment, engagement and entertainment”! But then you tell him that producers’ job also is to allow “what the director envisions to make, too!!!”
“When south and north Korean market was attacked by hollywood biggies like spider, super, bat, cat, and all other wild-men films, they introspected and created a fury of an OLDBOY (Hindi unofficial remake -“zinda”), CHASER (Hindi unofficial remake-murder3), A MAN FROM NOWHERE (the next john Abraham film), A BITTERSWEET LIFE (Hindi unofficial remake -“awaarapan”), I SAW THE DEVIL (Hindi unofficial remake –“ek villain”). Since you can’t steal from south, you buy the rights from us!”
“But then, why don’t you make cross over cinema like we have made so many times! It is because your producers do not respect you in Mumbai, except the few fives! But in our south, directors are respected so much! Without respecting directors, industry doesn’t survive! After Makkhi, RAJAMOULI Saab has matured enough to make a BHAUBALI…but will your Kabir khan next time dare to make a film on HANUMAN? Without a star? Answer me Hemant das!”
I could not reply to her as I don’t know Kabir Khan personally! But I will ask him soon! I promised her that and I offered her a cutting chai from the footpath chai wala near lokhandwala! It was 2 am! The Slumdog millionaire chai-wala smiled at me and spoke with me with a new language called “BAJRANGI HINDI” which vasundhara barely understands.
HE SAID, “Issko pakad ke Pakistan chod ke aao! Only entertainment ki baat karti hain! Silk Smitha hai kya yeh? BAJRANGI Bhaijaan me bohat message hain! Issko samaj nahi ayenga! Dimaag ki KILIKI hain yeh!”